So, I know I just posted but I think that I need to give people a little insight of me.
My whole life I grew up in church. I sang did sign language for the services. Did fundraisers to help with the building fund of the church to help the church expand. We fed the hungry. We stood on the street corners and had service to help bring other to Christ. We went door to door telling inviting people to church. But, we did it in an unusual way. We would start out doing a fundraiser with eggs... Yes, eggs. We would take a dozen eggs (we had more than one dozen) and we would go door to door asking for donations for the youth group. The donation would let you have either one egg or the whole dozen... In many cases we ended up getting the eggs cracked over our heads.. It was fun and the egg was good for your hair...We would tell them the church we were from and what we were raising money towards and always before we left we would invite them to join us. We NEVER forced ourselves or religion on anyone. If they weren't interested we would simply just thank them for their time and move on.
Anyway back to my story. I participate in plays and many numerous things with the church. I was very religious. Having been through hell and back in my life I hung on tight to my church and my faith.
Through being "molested" as a child and being raped as an adult. Being beaten by my first husband and cheated on. Now I don't want anyone to think of me as a victim. I am NOT. I AM a survivor. As far as my first marriage when I found out he cheated on me. I tried to get even and cheat on him.... But, I was wrong to take that approach.. For the ones who are sitting back judging me... No I didn't cheat first and yes, he beat me before I ever cheated. The first time I got beat I was pregnant with my oldest daughter and the only thing I said was throw up in the bathroom not out the bedroom window. Because I had to clean it up. The person who raised him even came into the bedroom and told him not to hit me anymore... Like he listened. But, I'm not going into all that right now.
So, in Feb of 2000 I lost someone very important in my life. Someone who I looked at as a father figure and who raised me. My grandfather. He was so special and he and my granny taught me the value of life and that hard work is the way of life. They taught me how to live off the land and how to cook and just to be the best I could be. He served in WWII as a Marine. I used to help him with his shots for his diabetes. I helped him with his breathing treatments and anything else I could.. He always told me that no man should ever put their hands on a woman. But, he also told me that no woman should ever put herself in a mans position and hit a man.
He was hospitalized for congestive heart failure. This wasn't the first time he had been in the hospital. Everyone of his children took their turn staying the night at the hospital with him. I wouldn't go all because I had a dream that the first night I went and sat with him would be the night he would pass... So, I finally went to sit with him over night at the hospital.. I would go everyday or call if I couldn't make it that day. But, never stayed overnight. This night I went and nobody told me that his eyelids had swollen and he couldn't close them... So, the nurse came in to give him his treatment. He was joking around with her and he did his treatment.. So, I breathed a sigh of relief. Then about 15 mins later I had seen something black go by the window. Now we were on the 2nd or 3rd floor. But, there was no way anyone could have walked by the window because there was no ledge. It was nighttime.. I shook it off as my imagination playing tricks on me.
So I sat back in the chair covered myself with a blanket, closed my eyes and had this intense cold go through my body. I can't explain how cold it was I have never felt anything like that except for one other time after he passed. I immediately sat up and looked at him. Now this was only like 2-3 min span. I was looking at him and I noticed that there was no rise and fall of his chest... I panicked something fierce inside... I ran out of the room to the nurses station which was right outside his room.. I told the nurse that my grandfather was not breathing. No, lie she looked at me and said "What do you mean he's not breathing"? I said you know no air, no heart beat, no nothing! So she coded his room.. I was thinking ok they are going to help him.. Bring him back to us. I couldn't face that someone I looked to as invincible could ever leave this earth. I heard the code blue over the intercom with his room number following it... Then the nurse at the desk called his doctor..She hung up the phone and started yelling "DON'T TOUCH HIM...DON'T TOUCH HIM" I freaked.. I was like what do you mean don't touch him? I said you better do something... She looked at me with these gentle eyes and calmly said "We can't....he has a DNR" I felt my knees get weak. I thought I was going to pass out... He was the first person I remember in my life that I actually seen pass. He couldn't be gone... He was my grandpa... NO, NO, NO! My now ex was there and I swear he's still as stupid today as he was back then... He's all what should I do? Seriously! All I could say was call my mom... So, my mom was on her way and we called my granny's house and my aunt was staying with her.. I couldn't speak all I could do was cry... So the nurses in the mean time are cleaning up his body and getting him ready for the family to come into the room and see him before the morgue folks got there... I will never forget that sound.. We were in the room and I heard the elevator door open and this horrible squeaking of wheels... it was the people from the morgue coming to get him with a portable metal table... He passed Feb 9, 2000
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Now a few months had went by and now it's June of 2000 we found out my mom had pancreatic cancer..... The oncologist said she had 6 months to live.. We met with a surgeon and he was going in to remove this tumor from her pancreas..Now at this point we didn't yet know it was indeed cancer. So, we are waiting for the surgeon to come out and tell us the "good" news that they got it all and it wasn't cancer. Well this 3-4 hour surgery was over in about 45 mins - an hour. I seen the look on his face as he walked down the hall.. I said she has cancer doesn't she.. He looked at me and said "YES" he said "the cancer is already a stage 4" and that as soon as he seen it it stapled her closed. They didn't remove nothing... The main focus was getting her incision closed as quick as possible. He explained that once air hits the cancer it spreads quicker.
So, I took her back and forth to doctor appointments and went in with her. Any errands she had to do I would take her.. I seen her vomit this horrible green colored stuff...later we found out it was bowel. She got to where she couldn't eat anything. My aunt would bring her ice pops, fruit pops, anything on a stick that was frozen.. It helped keep her mouth moist and helped keep fluids in her. She would wake up screaming in pain.. while her "loving" husband was passed out right next to her... I became furious with him to say the least...How dare he be drunk while his wife whom he claims to love is suffering so much.. Her pain was so bad that a few times I called the ambulance because nothing we had even eased the pain off... I went with her in the ambulance and it seemed like the driver was hitting every bump or pothole he could.. But, I honestly know he wasn't.. But, none the less I heard her scream in pain every time he would hit one. I told him seriously dude... You need to drive more careful... She's in enough pain! He apologized. But, during that time I couldn't see how careful he actually was driving to avoid the bumps in the road. We had to end up calling hospice in. She needed around the clock care and someone checking on her daily.. So, the hospice nurses showed us how to use her port (a device placed under the skin) to give her Valium shots in it. We also learned how to give her the right dose of liquid Morphine.
In October of 2000 we went to Disney in Orlando. That was one of her dreams was to go. So, we went.. We came back the following week was Halloween.. She passed on Nov 3, 2000
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I remember my granny getting a letter from the donor people as my grandpa was an organ donor. It was a thank you letter for him being an organ donor. I remember seeing her read it and her eyes well up in tears as she sat down on the edge of her bed. She handed me the letter. It started out nice enough.. Then it went into naming the parts that they had taken.. Oh My Goodness.... Seriously! That is not what we needed to hear.. that they had taken his eyes and the skin off of his arms...Dear Heaven what were these people thinking? Since that day I vowed to never become an organ donor. I seen the look on her face and I could not put my family through that. I know if my grandpa had known how that letter would have read he most likely wouldn't have either... Or maybe he would have told them not to put the body parts in the letter.
I couldn't figure out why God would let his children suffer like that. All my years in church I seemed to have forgotten during this year. For many years I turned my back on my faith and on God...I had always heard that God would not give you anything you couldn't bear...But, here I was lost two people in the same year less than 8 months apart... I had seen my grandpa suffer in different ways with his health over many years.. and then my mom in a short 6 months time... Her and I were never close. We started bonding and becoming like a mother daughter should be a month before we found out she had cancer. Seriously...7 months I got to spend with my mom getting to know her and her really knowing me.. Yes, I knew her my whole life. But, I didn't really know her. My thoughts were what kind of cruel God is this? But, here's what I have come to realize over these many years.
God put me through these trials and tribulations to make me stronger in my faith. To show me that he would bring me through anything and everything. That he would always be there for me.
Since then I have remarried to a wonderful man. God gave me a husband who loves me and our children. A soul mate. Someone who would be there with me through other trials. Thank you God for my wonderful family.
I said all that to say this: No matter what you face... No matter what you go through. God will see you through.. No matter how much it doesn't appear that he's there. Have faith and believe in him. Because he will never leave nor forsake you... I think so many times we fail to remember that when it seems like the whole world is falling around us at our feet. God does things in his time not ours... No matter how quickly we want him to do something.
Keep your head high and keep the faith.
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