Confession time....

So, I know I just posted but I think that I need to give people a little insight of me.

My whole life I grew up in church.  I sang did sign language for the services.  Did fundraisers to help with the building fund of the church to help the church expand.  We fed the hungry.  We stood on the street corners and had service to help bring other to Christ.  We went door to door telling inviting people to church.  But, we did it in an unusual way.  We would start out doing a fundraiser with eggs... Yes, eggs.  We would take a dozen eggs (we had more than one dozen) and we would go door to door asking for donations for the youth group.  The donation would let you have either one egg or the whole dozen... In many cases we ended up getting the eggs cracked over our heads.. It was fun and the egg was good for your hair...We would tell them the church we were from and what we were raising money towards and always before we left we would invite them to join us.    We NEVER forced ourselves or religion on anyone.  If they weren't interested we would simply just thank them for their time and move on.

Anyway back to my story.  I participate in plays and many numerous things with the church.  I was very religious.  Having been through hell and back in my life I hung on tight to my church and my faith.
Through being "molested" as a child and being raped as an adult.  Being beaten by my first husband and cheated on.   Now I don't want anyone to think of me as a victim.  I am NOT.  I AM a survivor.  As far as my first marriage when I found out he cheated on me.  I tried to get even and cheat on him.... But, I was wrong to take that approach.. For the ones who are sitting back judging me... No I didn't cheat first and yes, he beat me before I ever cheated.  The first time I got beat I was pregnant with my oldest daughter and the only thing I said was throw up in the bathroom not out the bedroom window.  Because I had to clean it up.  The person who raised him even came into the bedroom and told him not to hit me anymore... Like he listened.  But, I'm not going into all that right now.

So, in Feb of 2000 I lost someone very important in my life.  Someone who I looked at as a father figure and who raised me.  My grandfather.  He was so special and he and my granny taught me the value of life and that hard work is the way of life.  They taught me how to live off the land and how to cook and just to be the best I could be.  He served in WWII as a Marine.  I used to help him with his shots for his diabetes.  I helped him with his breathing treatments and anything else I could..   He always told me that no man should ever put their hands on a woman.  But, he also told me that no woman should ever put herself in a mans position and hit a man.
He was hospitalized for congestive heart failure.  This wasn't the first time he had been in the hospital.  Everyone of his children took their turn staying the night at the hospital with him.  I wouldn't go all because I had a dream that the first night I went and sat with him would be the night he would pass... So, I finally went to sit with him over night at the hospital.. I would go everyday or call if I couldn't make it that day.  But, never stayed overnight.  This night I went and nobody told me that his eyelids had swollen and he couldn't close them... So, the nurse came in to give him his treatment.  He was joking around with her and he did his treatment.. So, I breathed a sigh of relief.  Then about 15 mins later I had seen something black go by the window.  Now we were on the 2nd or 3rd floor.  But, there was no way anyone could have walked by the window because there was no ledge.  It was nighttime.. I shook it off as my imagination playing tricks on me.    
So I sat back in the chair covered myself with a blanket, closed my eyes and had this intense cold go through my body.  I can't explain how cold it was I have never felt anything like that except for one other time after he passed.   I immediately sat up and looked at him.  Now this was only like 2-3 min span.  I was looking at him and I noticed that there was no rise and fall of his chest... I panicked something fierce inside... I ran out of the room to the nurses station which was right outside his room.. I told the nurse that my grandfather was not breathing.  No, lie she looked at me and said "What do you mean he's not breathing"?  I said you know no air, no heart beat, no nothing!  So she coded his room.. I was thinking ok they are going to help him.. Bring him back to us.  I couldn't face that someone I looked to as invincible could ever leave this earth.  I heard the code blue over the intercom with his room number following it... Then the nurse at the desk called his doctor..She hung up the phone and started yelling "DON'T TOUCH HIM...DON'T TOUCH HIM"   I freaked.. I was like what do you mean don't touch him?  I said you better do something... She looked at me with these gentle eyes and calmly said "We can't....he has a DNR"  I felt my knees get weak.  I thought I was going to pass out... He was the first person I remember in my life that I actually seen pass.  He couldn't be gone... He was my grandpa... NO, NO, NO!  My now ex was there and I swear he's still as stupid today as he was back then... He's all what should I do?   Seriously!  All I could say was call my mom... So, my mom was on her way and we called my granny's house and my aunt was staying with her.. I couldn't speak all I could do was cry... So the nurses in the mean time are cleaning up his body and getting him ready for the family to come into the room and see him before the morgue folks got there... I will never forget that sound.. We were in the room and I heard the elevator door open and this horrible squeaking of wheels... it was the people from the morgue coming to get him with a portable metal table... He passed Feb 9, 2000
O_o

Now a few months had went by and now it's June of 2000 we found out my mom had pancreatic cancer..... The oncologist said she had 6 months to live..  We met with a surgeon and he was going in to remove this tumor from her pancreas..Now at this point we didn't yet know it was indeed cancer.  So, we are waiting for  the surgeon to come out and tell us the "good" news that they got it all and it wasn't cancer.  Well this 3-4 hour surgery was over in about 45 mins - an hour.  I seen the look on his face as he walked down the hall.. I said she has cancer doesn't she.. He looked at me and said "YES" he said "the cancer is already a stage 4" and that as soon as he seen it it stapled her closed.  They didn't remove nothing... The main focus was getting her incision closed as quick as possible.  He explained that once air hits the cancer it spreads quicker.
So, I took her back and forth to doctor appointments and went in with her.  Any errands she had to do I would take her.. I seen her vomit this horrible green colored stuff...later we found out it was bowel.  She got to where she couldn't eat anything.  My aunt would bring her ice pops, fruit pops, anything on a stick that was frozen.. It helped keep her mouth moist and helped keep fluids in her.  She would wake up screaming in pain.. while her "loving" husband was passed out right next to her... I became furious with him to say the least...How dare he be drunk while his wife whom he claims to love is suffering so much.. Her pain was so bad that a few times I called the ambulance because nothing we had even eased the pain off... I went with her in the ambulance and it seemed like the driver was hitting every bump or pothole he could.. But, I honestly know he wasn't.. But, none the less I heard her scream in pain every time he would hit one.  I told him seriously dude... You need to drive more careful... She's in enough pain!  He apologized. But, during that time I couldn't see how careful he actually was driving to avoid the bumps in the road.  We had to end up calling hospice in.  She needed around the clock care and someone checking on her daily.. So, the hospice nurses showed us how to use her port (a device placed under the skin) to give her Valium shots in it.  We also learned how to give her the right dose of liquid Morphine.  
In October of 2000 we went to Disney in Orlando.  That was one of her dreams was to go.  So, we went.. We came back the following week was Halloween.. She passed on Nov 3, 2000
O_o

I remember my granny getting a letter from the donor people as my grandpa was an organ donor.  It was a thank you letter for him being an organ donor.  I remember seeing her read it and her eyes well up in tears as she sat down on the edge of her bed.  She handed me the letter.  It started out nice enough.. Then it went into naming the parts that they had taken.. Oh My Goodness.... Seriously!  That is not what we needed to hear.. that they had taken his eyes and the skin off of his arms...Dear Heaven what were these people thinking?  Since that day I vowed to never become an organ donor.  I seen the look on her face and I could not put my family through that.  I know if my grandpa had known how that letter would have read he most likely wouldn't have either... Or maybe he would have told them not to put the body parts in the letter.

I couldn't figure out why God would let his children suffer like that.  All my years in church I seemed to have forgotten during this year.  For many years I turned my back on my faith and on God...I had always heard that God would not give you anything you couldn't bear...But, here I was lost two people in the same year less than 8 months apart... I had seen my grandpa suffer in different ways with his health over many years.. and then my mom in a short 6 months time... Her and I were never close.  We started bonding and becoming like a mother daughter should be a month before we found out she had cancer.  Seriously...7 months I got to spend with my mom getting to know her and her really knowing me.. Yes, I knew her my whole life.  But, I didn't really know her.  My thoughts were what kind of cruel God is this?  But, here's what I have come to realize over these many years.

God put me through these trials and tribulations to make me stronger in my faith.  To show me that he would bring me through anything and everything.  That he would always be there for me.

Since then I have remarried to a wonderful man.  God gave me a husband who loves me and our children.  A soul mate.  Someone who would be there with me through other trials.  Thank you God for my wonderful family.

I said all that to say this:  No matter what you face... No matter what you go through.  God will see you through.. No matter how much it doesn't appear that he's there.  Have faith and believe in him.  Because he will never leave nor forsake you... I think so many times we fail to remember that when it seems like the whole world is falling around us at our feet.  God does things in his time not ours... No matter how quickly we want him to do something.

Keep your head high and keep the faith.

Seriously!!! Child Porn

So, I know I haven't said anything in a couple days... During those days I have seen numerous news reports about child porn.  I mean yea sure I've seen this many times over the years.   But, none the less it's still sickens me.  What the heck is wrong with people?  These are children!  Sex should only be an act between two consenting adults.  Not with children!  I got my own feelings on how these sickos should be treated.  I know a lot of people would frown on my feelings and others would cheer me on... Either way I'm going to tell you my opinion on the subject of child porn and child molestation (which in my opinion is rape no matter the form).

If you are forcing someone to do anything sexual with you that is RAPE!  Whether it's photos, video, touching, intercourse... It's wrong and you are wrong for it!

My personal opinion is that anyone who does anything sexual with a child should be severely punished.
I think that any guy that rapes a child should have his penis cut off and fed to him.  Then I think that he should be locked up with a group of other men who have been in prison for a very long time and let them do whatever to him.  I don't condone violence but these innocent children do NOT deserve this torture...

It's not just a once or twice ordeal...It's a life time of trauma... Many years of therapy and nightmares.  No matter the age of the child.  I feel that children remember anything traumatic regardless of the age.

Here's another thing I want to know.... Where are the parents during all of this?  You leave your child with someone you barely know... Seriously!  What are you thinking?  Shame on you!  You should be locked away with the creep that hurt your child.

I know that parents know people for many many years and come to trust people whom you think would never hurt any child.  Then you find out years later that this person did horrible things to your child.  I'm not in no way talking about you.  Unless when you found out you still allowed your child around this person.  Then you are included.

I just don't get the mentality of these people who do this to children.  No, I don't believe it's a mental disorder.  I have met some REALLY out there people who would never harm a child.

With my beliefs I think that these people have a demon or demons in them.  Possessed by Satan himself.

Lord help us.... We need Jesus in our lives to keep these demons and other ones out.  I myself need to go pray for God to deliver me from the hatred that I have for these people.  Because we shouldn't hate anyone.
I also believe in what the Bible says about "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

So tired

Today I feel blah.. I'm so tired.. I got pain in my back and hip... Mainly tired.   I am freezing I have long sleeves and pants on covered with a snuggie... It's not cold but I am.. No need to turn the heat on to sweat everyone else out.  I can cover up just as easy.  Power steering something is shot not sure if it's the pump, the rack, a hose, or the seal.. Don't have the money to fix it right now... Just going to have to only make local trips for now until we can get it fixed.  Which sucks cause we have appointments and things we have to do!  I know if it wasn't for bad luck we wouldn't have any....  I know God has brought us to this point for a reason.... I know that he's going to bring us out of the desert.  Like the song says "He's gonna bring me out of the desert where it's so dusty and dry.  He's gonna bring me out of the desert no leave me here to die.. He's gonna take me where the waters are flowing so full and so free..."  I believe that!  He's going to bring us from this financial stress and health problems to financial stability and healed bodies.   We aren't going to have to struggle and suffer.

When things get tough or even when they're not  you have to keep your eyes on God.  Pray even when you don't need nothing.  There's always something or someone to pray for.  Always a shout of praise to lift up.

I thank God everyday for my family and friends.  I  may not be close to some of my friends like I used to be but I know if I need them they would happily and willingly call or come.  Same with some of my family.. I'm not going to say all.  Let's face it.  We all have family that are selfish and only focus on themselves.  

But, regardless of who I can't count on.. I know who I can... Thank you God for giving us your son... Thank you Jesus for making that sacrifice on the cross all those years ago.

Another day....

It's another beautiful day... Just trying to enjoy life.  Stressing over bills.. John's getting aggravated because he's not working...he's not used to not working and now that he has medical problems and can't work it's driving him crazy.. Which in return is driving me crazy...lol.... Not that he's home all the time but that he's stir crazy not knowing what to do with himself...and at times just miserable cause he can't work... Bless his heart... I'm so glad I have a good man... They are very few and in between and hard to find...But, I am a lucky woman.. I am so blessed that I have a great family.  Yes, they drive me crazy sometimes....But, I wouldn't trade none of them for nothing.  I think in times that you have bad health or you go through bad times... Those are the times you really get to stop and see how truly blessed you are... You get to stop to "smell the roses" as they say.  Everything looks more beautiful...You hear the birds singing clearer....The sky looks brighter....Rain is more relaxing...Children can't do hardly no wrong... You love your family more and more everyday... I fall more and more in love with my hubby every min, every hour of every day....My kids are the best (yea I know all parents think that of their children)..  I have beautiful grand-babies.  I know one day I will have more grand-babies but I'm not ready for more right now... Living life and loving it... Try to take stress in stride... hope and pray that everything will work out and be ok.. I know with God ALL things are possible...

Today just going to relax

Got up today with pain in my knee and my hip... so I think I am just going to relax and watch some tv and play around on the computer.  I have to go for a bunch of lab work (like 4 pages *no lie*) to see if I have Lupus.  I was doing some research on everything that's wrong with me (or that the dr's say is wrong).... It's some scary stuff.... I told my hubby that if it does come back saying that I have Lupus also, that I'm going to insist on a genetic testing done on my children.  I want them to have everything checked regularly.   My knees swell up like big balloons... and the pain feels like it's going from the front of my knee through the side and under my knee cap... my hip feels like it pops out of joint and that it's bruised...my lower back hurts and sometimes I can't even stand up straight.. I have to literally crawl up the stairs just to go to the bathroom.  I stay cold all the time regardless of the temperature... I know it seems like I am complaining but I want people to see what I am going through.  And, that no matter what I am going through I believe God for a miracle.   Like our car needs to be repaired.  I think the power steering pump is shot... (about 85% positive).  Have no money to fix it.  So I am putting it in God's hands for all of our financial problems.



Thank you Jesus for hearing each and everyone of our needs and we are putting it all in your hands.